After failing to install David Chipman as Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF), President Joe Biden has a new job for the gun control advisor: Ambassador to Afghanistan.

Biden officially withdrew Chipman’s nomination after both Republican and Democratic senators expressed dismay and hesitation at the nominee’s past and current statements.

Now, my sources within the White House are telling me the president is planning to send Chipman into Afghanistan to “get those weapons of war off the streets.”

“Weapons of war have no place in a civil society! C’mon, Afghanistan! We need more than thoughts and prayers,” Biden reportedly said before wandering out of the Oval Office and onto the White House lawn.

When aides pointed out that the Taliban have their rifles, pistols, and Blackhawk helicopters thanks to our hasty, ill-planned retreat, the president had already fallen asleep.

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But that didn’t stop Biden from moving forward with his plans immediately upon finishing his afternoon nap. In a soon-to-be-released statement, the president explained his rationale for sending Chipman to Afghanistan:

David Chipman was treated unfairly by the evil gun control lobby and their allies in the Republican party. David was an excellent ATF agent and a fine gun control activist. He would have done a great job advancing my gun confiscation agenda here in the United States.

But since it looks like that’s not happening, I have an even better idea. The violence unfolding in Afghanistan can be blamed on one thing, and one thing only: guns. If the Taliban didn’t have guns, they wouldn’t be able to hurt anybody, amiright?

If we can just get the weapons of war off the streets of Kabul, the people there can live in peace and happiness, just like in the gun control hotspots of Chicago, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Those cities have super strict gun control and also almost zero crime!

That’s why I’m sending David into Kabul to implement a three-pronged gun control strategy.

First, David will be hosting several gun buyback events to encourage the Taliban to gives us their rifles in exchange for hardly any money. They’ll be lining up around the block to surrender their guns for pennies on the dollar!

Second, David will launch a campaign castigating the law-abiding citizens of Afghanistan. Framing these citizens as the bad guys will compel the Taliban to immediately lay down their arms.

Finally, for the very few Taliban members who don’t participate in the buy-back event, David will be instituting a background check and registration system for all the weapons currently in civilian hands. This registration system will allow us to track and monitor all weapons in Afghanistan, and we’ll soon send agents in to confiscate those weapons from Taliban fighters.

These are all common-sense solutions to the gun violence problem plaguing Afghanistan. These policies have had zero positive effect in the United States, but that kind of thing has never stopped me before! I have every confidence that David will be able to get these weapons of war off the streets of Kabul, and I can’t wait to update the nation on his progress in the coming months.

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So, there you have it. David Chipman is set to clean up the mess in Afghanistan and prove that gun control works—all at the same time.

No word yet on whether the Senate will confirm Chipman as the Ambassador to Afghanistan.

About The Author

Mark was a co-founder of the Tea Party Patriots, and served as the national coordinator. He left the organization to work more broadly on expanding the self-governance movement beyond the partisan divide. Mark appears regularly on television in outlets as diverse as MSNBC, ABC, NBC, Fox News, CNN, Bloomberg, Fox Business and the BBC. He’s highly sought after for the tea party perspective from print and electronic media outlets, from the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, L.A. Times, Washington Examiner, Politico and the The Hill. Mark blogs at, and his opinion editorials regularly run in many of the leading political newspapers both on and offline. Mark has a BA in English from San Diego State University and graduated with honors from University of the Pacific, McGeorge School of Law in 1988. He practiced real estate and business law for almost a decade. For the last eleven years of his legal career he specialized in Internet advertising law. When not fighting for the future of our nation, Mark is an avid horseman, and lives in rural northern California with his wife Patty and two children.